Hard Conversations

More than a year before Michael’s diagnosis with Acute Leukemia, our family sat down and had a serious conversation about death. Specifically what we wanted to happen with our remains after we died. I think this is something everyone should be brave and talk openly about, so I’ll go first and share a little bit about what that looked like for us.

All four of us were born in California which has lot of land. A lot of land means space for cemeteries. Space for cemeteries means burial is a common, easy option. But we now live in Hong Kong, which is a little over a thousand square kilometers (430 square miles). My original hometown of Los Angeles, containing only half the number of people in Hong Kong, is only slightly larger than all of my adopted hometown.

In addition to being quite small, close to 50% of Hong Kong’s land is protected country park, uninhabitable because its rocky island or the inclines are too steep to build on. This means cremation is common. There is simply no space for long term, full body burial. If you can afford a plot and somehow find one available (nearly impossible), it is still just a temporary measure. Buried remains are exhumed and cremated after six years. As always, there are a few exceptions to this, such as for the ultra wealthy at the limited space in private cemeteries, or for those whose religious customs make burial the primary option, such as at the Hong Kong Jewish Cemetery.

All the people in my family and Michael’s family who have passed on before us were, to my knowledge, buried, not cremated. Up until my Mama, that is. Fifteen years ago, when Michael and I moved to Macau, my parents pre-paid for their funeral costs which included cremation. I was shocked and remember going round and round with my mother about this, not wanting my parents to lack a “final resting place” like her parents and brother. But she was exceedingly unfussy about this, and her reasoning was sound (to her), to save money for us kids when the time came, especially since my family planned to live abroad for some time. She also told me no one ever visits gravesites anyway. I protested this immediately.

When I lived in California I made an annual visit to all the graves of my grandparents and my two uncles, and almost always make a stop there when I’m visiting the States. I’ve taken both my sons to visit the burial place of everyone they are related to within driving distance of Los Angeles. It might not have been important to my mother but it is to me, to remember these people who came before me. I also make it a practice to visit a cemetery in almost every country I visit. I find there is so much to learn about a culture by the way they honor their dead. This is a topic I could fill a book with (and might do that, I’ve been taking notes all around the world for years).

I didn’t like the idea of my parents being cremated, but it was their decision, not mine. The only concession my Mama would make was if we really wanted, we could pick out a wall vault at a cemetery to inter their ashes together, but only after they were both gone, so there was a place with their names we could visit and bring flowers. My Dad was more interested in having us spread their ashes together on the coast of California where he and my Mama had gone to watch sunsets during the early days of their dating. They’d both been surfers in the 1960’s, so it felt like an appropriate place to him.

Ultimately none of this mattered. My father quickly remarried after my Mama’s passing, and my mother’s ashes were taken from the funeral home by another person. It was this series of events which led my sons, Michael, and I to discuss what each of us wanted for ourselves. I’m so grateful we had that conversation back when there was no reason to believe we would have to make these decisions so soon.

Side note: I highly recommend you have a similar conversation with your loved ones about this sooner than later, during a time when you think you’ll never need to have this conversation. It gives everyone time to consider options when there is less stress. In addition to discussing it, or if you feel a discussion is not possible, I suggest you put it in writing. This is especially helpful so everything is clear if you have strong feelings in this area. And even if you don’t, it is a gift to the people you love to not force them to guess what to do in the midst of grief!

During our conversation with the boys, we specifically spoke about what would happen if any of us died in Hong Kong. Repatriating a body from Hong Kong to America is extremely expensive. We didn’t ask, but during our meeting with the U.S. Consulate after Michael passed, we were informed we could expect to pay around $30,000 USD (around $235,000 HKD) just for the transport, not including anything that we’d need to pay once the plane landed in the United States. (Side note: this is great reason to make sure your travel insurance includes repatriation of remains if you vacation abroad).

Unlike many of both Michael’s and my own family in California, we don’t own burial plots in America. We had no plans at that point to move back to the U.S. any time soon so there was no strong pull for this option. We all agreed cremation was going to be the choice should any of us pass away here. Obviously my own feelings toward cremation had softened in the years of discussion with my Mama, and our last fifteen years in Asia which normalized it for me. So we all decided together if we died in Hong Kong, cremation would be the plan.

Next, we discussed what to do with the ashes. Hong Kong has a type of burial place called a columbarium. It’s a structure with wall niches for ashes in urns. Due to the land shortage here, even these small spaces are in high demand, with many locations offering a monthly lottery system in to obtain any open spots. The most centrally located have waiting lists which run past ten years, with the average wait time for many open locations currently sitting at four years. Even then they can be impermanent, rented for twenty years the first time, and then in ten year increments at the prevailing rate after that. Hong Kong offers “green burial” options at no cost to residents, including spreading ashes in a permanent garden of remembrance or scattering ashes at sea.

All four of us felt quite strongly that we did not wish to have our remains scattered. And we all had different reasons for this. One of our sons, knowing that we are frequent nomads, said he would just wish to remain with us wherever we go. I still have such a strong pull toward having a dedicated place where there is a name and a date that people can go visit. But how to make the decision of where that should be if you move countries as often as we do? This ended up being the longest part of our discussion.

Ultimately we all agreed with my son, we should remain together as a family in both life and death until we were finally done roaming the globe and settled in somewhere for good. We’ve never owned a property of our own, and as I mentioned in the last post, we’ve lived in twenty homes over the last 31 years, regularly hopping borders between half a dozen countries. We’d never yet planted ourselves for good in any one place, but we were confident it would happen one day down the road. In the meantime, any member of our family who passed away would just continue to come with us in an urn wherever we went.

During the year when Michael was battling Acute Leukemia, we never again fully discussed this family plan. If anyone brought it up, someone else would say, “we know what to do,” while Michael would say, “don’t worry, I’m beating this, we won’t have to put any of that plan into action.” When he did not in fact beat it, the boys and I turned to one another and said, “so glad we already discussed this.”

There were several more decisions to make after Michael passed, including choosing an urn. I’ll share more of that meaningful story in another post. But I will forever be grateful for the very casual, non-emotional evening when all four of us together were able to discuss the pros and cons of available options and then come to some solid conclusions of what we wanted individually and as a family. Once again I’m here gently nudging you to do the same.

You might not care, In fact, our other son initially said whatever choice we made for him was fine with him, but by the end of the conversation was able to articulate exactly what he wanted. However, the relief your surviving loved ones will feel not having to guess what you might have wanted is really enormous. Take it from me, it’s a real life ten out of ten, do recommend type of situation.

Quick update on the search for a new flat…

This time of year is not an ideal time to move, and I don’t mean for me specifically while paralyzed with grief and sorrow. The school year wraps up at the end of June, so most relocating families won’t even be giving their two months’ notice until the time when we’ll be needing to hand over the keys for our current place. The current inventory of rentals in our little beach community is somewhat dismal, but it is our desire to remain in this part of Hong Kong for now. My sons and I will continue to live together and residents tend to get more square footage here for the same dollar amount as other parts of the city.

Our list of housing wants waxes and wanes by the day and I won’t bore you with them. But in the need column we are looking for at least three adult-sized bedrooms with storage, two bathrooms, a functional kitchen which inspires all of us to cook instead of leaning on takeout, a washer/dryer, and what feels like the biggest stretch of all — a wildly sympathetic (generous?) landlord asking a wildly low price for a new widow and her fatherless sons. Our economic position has shifted just as much as everything else in this new reality without Michael.

I have felt every possible emotion this week, oftentimes all at once, and have not been sleeping at all. I’m not into Disney Princess culture (Alice in Wonderland is my girl), but right now I’d willingly trade places with Sleeping Beauty for a long stretch of time. No prince needed to wake me with a kiss, though. Not a single one of them could ever measure up to the king of my heart, Michael Chase. 💚

More soon.